Pastoral Study Project Writing: And Some Doubted

* I would like to thank the Louisville Institute for graciously providing support through the Pastoral Study Project grant that made this reflection possible.  

Honest to Goodness . . . Doubt

 Sitting in the shadow of the great commission of the church to make disciples and baptize through the authority of Jesus, are these humble transparent words:  “At the sight of the risen Christ they fell down in homage, though some doubted what they were seeing.” Hmm. 

• If ever there was a time to codify and lock down what it meant to know the Risen Lord; this might be it.
• If ever there was a time to use strong polling numbers showing uniformity to demonstrate belief in the Risen Christ, this might be it.
• If ever there was a time to sweep under the rug, any outliers, truths that might make some uncomfortable, this might be it.
• If ever there was a time to gentrify the biblical witness to bolster certainty this might be it.

But this wasn’t that time.

In fact, this was the time when the Holy Spirit peppered the last words of Matthew’s Gospel - with a little easy to miss, (especially if we are so inclined) honest to goodness truth.  A truth that represents the very moments of our lives of faith together, too. Moments when doubt and worship are woven together.  Not separating one from the other; but both being part of the whole.

What did this look like up on that mountain?  What did it sound like in an embodied way?  

Did Bartholemew do the head invitation to Andrew who with a furrowed brow kept shaking his head in consternation?  

Did Thomas, who had honestly voiced the dark night of his soul, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” did he put an arm around Philip who jumped from one foot to the other and did Thomas say with empathy, “I get it.  I get it.  Me too; we’re in this together.”  

Did James hang back while the majority of his fellow followers pressed their foreheads to ground?  And then over the bowed heads did he see Jesus looking at him . . . with love?

If ever there was a time to deny the experience of some, to oppress the truth of some for the monolithic expression of the message, - a dynamic that perhaps you know in very personal ways wounds and dehumanizes - it was not that day on the mountain in Galilee in the presence of the Risen Christ.  Instead, this was the time for authentic practice in following Jesus; being courageously honest, ditching any pretense or pretending; believing an honest to goodness ‘I don’t know’ is more life-giving than professing a thousand words that force you to hide.   

If some of the earliest disciples - the ones who literally broke bread with Jesus, spent three years watching him heal, bring back to life, move crowds, and stand up for the oppressed - if some of them doubted, what are we to make of that?

In an age and location when and where the authority of the church to shape culture has decreased and organized religion is increasingly seen as destructive or irrelevent, what is the gift for discipleship and mission in these humble words, “some doubted what they were seeing.”  

What if we started talking about this?

1. Would it give It gives us permission to own our reality as well.  To own our moments, our doubts, our strengths, our wild dreams we hardly dare to voice lest self-judgment pounces.  I got to hear Dr. Brené Brown in Minneapolis about her new book, Braving the Wilderness and she poignantly asked the question, “How many of you have said in the last year around for example an election topic, “I don’t know anything about that?”  Her point was that culturally it feels weak to say I don’t know, we fear judgment, or we want to get into the conversation, we want to help depolarize exchanges at family reunions that stop meaningful conversation about climate change, white privilege and racism, or gun control but want to do it when we’ve got all our opinions firmly articulated . . . or want to do it with those we know will give us a resounding amen!  Some of them doubted gives us permission to stop pretending in a culture that says posturing is your best bet. 
2. What if we started talking about this?  Would ‘and some doubted’ negate our human desire to put things in binary categories - either/or, good/bad, the difference of night and day/ thinking.  Doubt and faith are more closely related than binary categories allow us to see.  It removes our lives of faith from needing to be neat and clean, perhaps even stagnant to being messy and organic.  That is just the process of being alive and doing faith with others.  
3. The church gathered in the grace of the Risen Christ will look like the eleven on the mountain:  a mix. These verses show that communities of faith aren’t suppose to assume people all believe the same way orbring the same lens to worship.  Dr. Richard Beaton writes, “Upon seeing Jesus they worship. This part we understand; it makes sense given the circumstances of Jesus' resurrection and the preceding events. But they also doubt. Worship is not typically associated with doubt. In fact, many feel that even if they do doubt, they cannot admit it.” It is brave to live in the honest to goodness I don’t know.  My best bet is when the Lord’s Prayer is prayed in your ministry context, some will mumble the Our Father, and others will grow silent on “kingdom” and others still will feel their throats tighten when the words, “as we forgive those who sin against us” echo across the ceiling.  Because our life experience makes us pause, wonder, or chaff with these words.  Across the globe some people bounce out of bed or off their mat excited to come and join their voices with their neighbors praising God, - this time sets their lives in focus and across the globe there are people who were dragged to a church by a parent or spouse, or familial guilt, giving this faith thing one more chance, pretty convinced there are a 100 places they’d rather be than in worship. . . maybe that is someone you love. . . maybe there are times it is you. . . 
4. What if we started talking about this? What do we learn about Jesus? We learn that He isn’t afraid of doubt, he doesn’t scold, berate, humiliate, or denigrate those who aren’t convinced.  The honest to goodness choice these disciples make show us they believed because of their life-giving interactions with Jesus that their doubt won’t cause them harm/public shaming/berating/intimidation.  They trusted Jesus enough to know their doubt was safe with him.  CAN PEOPLE SAY THE SAME OF THE CHURCH?  The disciples could trust him because he had always kept his word and when the rich young ruler asks Jesus what he must do to obtain eternal life, Jesus tells him sell his possessions and give to the poor,  as the rich young ruler leaves Jesus didn’t look at him with condemnation, rather Jesus looked at him . . . with love.  Jesus would look at these disciples with love as well; JUST HOW HE LOOKS AT YOU.  Dr. Craig Koester writes, “like the first disciples, we bring our doubts to the place where Jesus promises to meet us. And this too is discipleship.”
5. Our human beliefs and convictions in any given moment don’t change what God has done in Jesus Christ.  don’t change that you are created in the image of God, ‘worthy of love and belonging’ - to quote Brené Brown.  Don’t change that you have been marked with the cross of Christ forever.  Don’t change that Jesus died and rose for you.  For me.  Don’t change that sin and evil no longer have the final word.  Our human response can be real because if faith is to be real, life-giving, and organic, than our moments - as important and powerful as they are - are still simply simple moments held in the infinite union with God.  

The disciples COULD NOT BE ABOUT THE MISSION OF THE GREAT COMMISSION WITHOUT FIRST THIS PERMISSION - to be real.

Dr. Seuss would love that play on words.

Let me say it again, 

The disciples - those who were worshiping and those who were doubting could not be about the mission of the great commission without first this permission - to be honest.

How honest are we with each other?

How honest are we with ourselves?

How honest, really honest are we with God?

I’ve faked it.  I still fake it in certain situations.  I can be faking it before I even know I’m faking it. Take the right portions of self-doubt, power-over, isolation, and conflict and I will fake it ’til the cows come home.  And my guess is with the right portions of your own shame inducing dynamics you will fake it too.  Shame wants to name us forever.  WE are only one thing.  WE are only as worthy as our last great sermon.  We are only as worthy as our last creative campus ministry kick off.  We are only; always evaluated on our last great engagement with life.

Some of us grew up in families in which it wasn’t safe to be honest.  Rostered ministers who have a child on the spectrum or a child who is transgendered, navigate how much of their honest to goodness truth will be safe in various situations.  For those who live in the shadows because they don’t have documentation, honesty about their status is incredibly risky.  

Our hope, prayer, and calling in the Body of Christ is that we are a safe space.  Where each person is held to be known and loved as a child of God.  Period.  The church has not always lived into this hope, prayer, and calling.

Can we be the honest to goodness church?

The Honest to Goodness church where, honesty will be viewed as a way to glorify God.  

The Honest to Goodness church where we will live with the questions, instead of deny their existence or accept pat answers that feel like our cousin’s hand-me-down jeans.

The Honest to Goodness Churchwhere we will we will take seriously Jesus question, “And who do you say than I am?”  and next, how are you freed to serve your neighbor?

The Honest to Goodness Church where we will be led by the Holy Spirit into the vulnerable space of mystery and holy presence, knowing some of our answers actually limit our ability to sense the Spirit’s movement.   

God doesn’t love or cling to our pretending.  If anyone does, we do.  But God doesn’t.  God loves and longs for our creative hearts to say yes and yes and yes not when we finally have it all figured out but in this moment to being part of God’s healing movement in the world.  

And, according to St. Matthew, doubters are part of that movement.

In the end?  They get where they needed to be.  They all become bearers of God’s unconditional love in Jesus the Christ to the ends of the earth.  They get to Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and if tradition is correct, the chief of all the doubters Thomas, even to India.  

Jesus promised to be with the disciples, to be with us to the end of the age.  This is honest.  Jesus’ presence is goodness.  God’s love is the honest to goodness truth for you, for me.  Together, can we be the church of the honest to goodness?

How honest are we with each other?

How honest, really honest are we with God?

How honest are we with ourselves?

The Great Commission needs the verse that comes before - to show us the Risen Christ gives the mission not just to some but to all and maybe even their doubts are part of it.  

Is there a group of believers out there that feels called to proactively be the Church of the Honest to Goodness?  

At the Church of the Honest to Goodness, honesty will be viewed as a way to glorify God.  

At the Church of the Honest to Goodness we will live with the questions, instead of deny their existence or accept pat answers that feel like our cousin’s hand-me-down jeans.

At the Church of the Honest to Goodness we will take seriously Jesus question, “And who do you say than I am?” (TEXT)  and next, how are you freed to serve your neighbor?

At the Church of the Honest to Goodness we will be led by the Holy Spirit into the vulnerable space of mystery and holy presence, knowing some of our answers actually limit our ability to sense the Spirit’s movement.   

And so, maybe, right here, in this moment, we are the church of the honest to goodness.  

I’ve faked it.  I still fake it in certain situations.  I can be faking it before I even know I’m faking it. Take the right portions of self-doubt, power-over, isolation, and conflict and I will fake it ’til the cows come home.  And my guess is with the right portions of those things, you will fake it too.

So, can we start the Church of the Honest to Goodness?  The honest truth of our doubt, and failings, and flipping drivers off under the dashboard?  Because, whether or not we are honest about these things, these dynamics, they are still there.  They form the sub-text (to use therapy language) of our lives and so we mumble though certain petitions of the Apostle’s Creed or Lord’s Prayer, and don’t read the Bible because we feel like we should know more about it or understand it better than we actually do.  

God doesn’t love or need our pretense.  If anyone does, we do.  But God doesn’t.  God loves and longs for our creative hearts to say yes and yes and yes again to being part of God’s movement in the world.  

And, according to St. Matthew, doubters are part of that movement.

In the end?  They get where they needed to be.  They all become bearers of God’s unconditional love to the far corners of the world.  They get to Corinth and if tradition is correct, the chief of all the doubters Thomas, even to India.  

And in the end, all that matters is Jesus' love.  That's honest.  And that's goodness.  It is the honest to goodness truth.